There used to be a time when I used to go to school every day, hang out with my friends every day, hug each other every day. We used to do stuff that we never thought would be so forbidden one day. Who would have thought that even going out for a while will be so rare in the near future, seeing each other in person so difficult.
There was a time when we didn’t have time to think and here we are today doing nothing but thinking. I am tired of thinking. Only a few months have passed since everything was normal in my life but it seems like years have passed. It feels like some other person was living in my place in those bygone days.
Maybe it will end, maybe everything will be okay, but for me it won’t ever be the same again. What I’ve lost during this period cannot be regained. Maybe I’ll be out of this cage and live my life like I used to once again, but my mind is locked up in a cage and the key is lost somewhere. I can’t focus on things like before, because my brain is jammed and covered with rust. Time heals everything, I know, but we won’t ever be able to forget what we have gone through. We can’t forget the pain we felt when we heard of the deaths occurring every day, we can’t forget the fear of being afraid to touch our beloved fellows, we can’t forget the hundreds of thoughts that erupted within our mind every single day – of who is going to be the next to be infected, the next to die.
I don’t remember dates now, I don’t know what month it is. It’s not like my schedule is full and I have to find time to rest. Every day has become the same; the only thing that’s different is my behaviour day by day. I keep changing from what I used to be.
Covid-19 caused a deep trauma to us all. We are suffering from psychological disorders that I don’t think will heal soon. Whenever I ask someone how they are doing, they are all, like, we are depressed but we don’t know why. I also feel depressed but actually we are not depressed, we are just tired –tired of how things are turning out, tired of being stuck at one place and unable to wander like we used to. We are tired of this same life every day. There is a part of me that wants to go out freely like before. I don’t want to rest any more! When this lockdown ends, I don’t want any holiday, because I’ve had enough of it.
However, the Covid period had its benefits, too. We would have never realised the importance of our family, our work, our social life, our school, our friends, had it not been for the pandemic. We wouldn’t have been able to understand the small things that gave us happiness because when everything was normal we behaved like we were abnormal. We never took time to praise what we already had, because we were in search of big things. We were dreaming to conquer the whole world but sadly we were not even able to tackle a small virus. That’s when we realised our limitations, our lack of power, and started questioning our intelligence.
We have no control over anything, never really had. We make plans for the future, fix dates to meet our friends, but we don’t really know what is going to happen. We are like puppets, pulled by invisible strings. When the lockdown ends, I hope I won’t make the mistakes that I made in the past. I won’t run after perfection. I won’t blindly focus on the future and ruin my beautiful present. I will try to live everyday as if it is my last.
There is an ironic beauty in this lockdown. I’ve started to appreciate things that I wouldn’t have even considered. I’ve started to grow, slowly, every day. I’ve started to be what I never thought I would be. Time is really powerful, the only thing that breaks us, makes us, heals us, and most of all, teaches us. As for the biggest lesson it taught me, it is that I may choose different paths in life but my destination is already decided. Time has taught me to be patient, and that is my biggest strength now.
That’s my lockdown story, where I am suffering, breaking, hurting, appreciating, observing, loving, hating, but above all, I am learning.