How we let our words and actions speak for themselves

On average, a person speaks between 7,000 and 20,000 words a day. But how often do those words include something truly noble or meaningful? How many of them are spoken softly? How many come from the heart? And how many are full of manipulation, or worse, just meaningless chatter? How much of what we say is, frankly, nonsense?

Think about the last time you gave someone a lift. Maybe you had a good conversation along the way. But when you dropped them off, they didn’t say “thank you” or offer a word of gratitude. Doesn’t that feel like a letdown? Someone can be talkative, yet fail to express something as simple as “thank you.” What does that say about them?

The other day, I asked a friend why he often chooses to be alone. He said, “There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone. Loneliness is an emotional state, but being alone is a choice. For me, it’s a choice.” Curious, I asked him why he’d make that choice, considering we’re all supposed to be “social animals”. He replied, “Most people just have too many turn-offs.”

“What kind of turn-offs?” I asked.

He answered, “Things like immaturity, angry behaviour, disrespect, a lack of intelligence—you name it.” He gave me an example: “I called a friend, and he rushed through the conversation, said a quick goodbye, and immediately hung up. Isn’t that rude?”

I agreed. “Yeah, that is rude. It’s good manners to pause for a moment before ending a call. If you’re too busy to talk, it’s better not to answer. But once you do, respect is necessary. A good practice might be to keep your phone on airplane mode when working, so it looks switched off to the caller. That way, you don’t seem rude for not picking up, and both your task and friendship remain intact.”

I had a similar story to share: “I recently joined a gym that looked great from the outside, with top-notch equipment. But on my first day, the owner started asking me personal questions. I didn’t go back after that.”

Our conversation continued, and at one point, someone approached my friend for help. After getting what he needed, the person left right away. My friend asked, “Did you notice that?”

I nodded, “Yeah, he didn’t even stick around for a minute. It came off as really selfish—like he was only here to get something and nothing more.”

We hadn’t seen each other in years, so we kept talking and eventually decided to visit another close friend—let’s call him “X.” As we drove, we saw more examples that seemed to underline what we’d been discussing: a boy tossing a biscuit wrapper onto the street, another riding his bike without a helmet, someone stopping their car in the middle of the road to chat, and street vendors taking over public spaces. Little things like this show a lack of care and consideration, which can be a big turn-off.

When we arrived at X’s house, his family welcomed us warmly and served us Lipton tea with a variety of biscuits and cake. In Kashmir, serving tea isn’t about filling someone’s stomach; it’s about showing respect. But then X kept eating biscuit after biscuit until the plates started looking empty. It wasn’t our place to stop him—after all, it was his house. But I couldn’t help wondering what impression it would leave when the empty plates went back to the kitchen. As guests, it might make us look greedy, which is definitely not a good look. In these moments, how others perceive you really depends on their level of maturity and judgment.

Yet, well-behaved men and women do exist. Recently, I lost my phone, and it was picked up by a medical student. My phone has a feature that captures the face of anyone who tries to unlock it or access notifications. When I checked the security log, I saw that the student had discovered my privacy and hadn’t tampered with it at all. When I shared this with my friend, he also showed some hope in humanity and said, “This is what integrity means-following your ethics when no one is watching, doing the right thing not out of fear of law or society, but because you’re honest at heart.”

People like my friend often end up feeling a certain kind of loneliness. We all want to connect with others, but there are just too many turn-offs. For instance, being addressed with “tum” instead of the more respectful “aap.” It’s easy to compromise for a while, but those kinds of compromises can only last so long. As Nikola Tesla famously said, “Intelligent people tend to have fewer friends than the average person. The smarter you are, the more selective you become.”

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Arbaz Bhat