Today’s children are our tomorrow, so let’s sow the seeds of a better tomorrow
Children are seen as divine gifts in Islam, embodying sacredness and deserving of utmost care and respect. They are cherished, nurtured, and given the chance to flourish in a supportive environment. Every child, in the eyes of Allah, is unique and valuable, deserving of love and guidance to reach their fullest potential. It is incumbent upon Muslim parents to instill in their children a profound reverence for Allah, His Prophet, His teachings, and the sacred values enshrined within Islam.
It is undeniable that children represent the future of every nation. It is incumbent upon us to work together to provide them with guidance and support tailored to their needs. Understanding what negatively impacts our children, we should strive to establish principles that inspire and guide them towards building stronger connections with one another.
Comparison: Parents use comparison as a tool to boost their children’s excellence. Parents often compare their children with others to motivate them to achieve better results, but they often overlook the negative impact this comparison can have on their children’s long-term mental health. Comparing children with their peers is a common practice, frequently using phrases like “Falaen Sund Nechoo Aaw First” (his son has achieved first position) or “Felaen Saend Nechee Korr NEET qualify” (his son has qualified NEET exam), intending to strengthen their spirit. However, this can result in low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression in the child. These effects can lead to aggressive, rash, and uncontrollable behaviour, negatively impacting the child’s overall personality.
Instead of relying solely on comparison, parents should highlight the uniqueness of each child. Comparison should not be the sole driving force behind uncovering their latent talents and qualities to achieve the best.
Parents should foster a competitive mindset in their children by appreciating their work and behavior, rather than resorting to comparison.
Child Shaming: Humiliation by adults or parents in the form of unpleasant and derogatory comments, such as ‘this was not to be done like this,’ depreciating their work, or shouting at their behaviour, can develop feelings of worthlessness in children’s minds. This leads children to feel self-doubt and instills a sense of fear and low self-esteem. Child shaming affects children’s mental health. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP) refers to this kind of behaviour as emotional abuse.
The act of shaming children often includes:
1. Scolding them for their behaviour, disregarding the fact that emotions are an integral part of being human, whether one is a child or an adult. Humans face difficulties in managing their emotions. Questioning children’s behaviour can drastically impact their overall personality negatively. They may become confused between acceptable and unacceptable behavioural patterns. When they are asked questions such as “Why did you do this?”, “It wasn’t done like this,” or “Why are you behaving this way?” creates a mindset in the children that they are unable to appropriately deal with their behaviour. Instead, children should be encouraged to think about how things could be done better rather than simply being scolded.
2. Assigning negative labels to children: Parents often use negative labels such as “bad,” “worthless,” “dumb,” “lazy,” and “careless” for their children. As a result, children feel alone and often find it difficult to connect with others. These negative labels make them feel isolated and create social barriers among them. This leads to discrimination among children and creates a gap between parents and children. Parents need to understand that children’s behaviour is temporary and can be moulded; instead of making them feel worthless, parents should be mindful when labelling their children’s personalities. Labels limit children’s abilities and hinder their development. Labels break children’s hearts. If parents label their children’s behaviour positively, it will encourage them to do good things and foster curiosity. The direction needed is for parents to pay attention when labelling their children’s behaviour.
3. Using fear as a means of disciplining children: Using fear to discipline children impacts their overall development negatively. It may seem like a way to control their behaviour and instill good behaviour, but the results are often the opposite. Parents use fear to ensure that children behave obediently, resorting to threats, etc.
According to a report published by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, Lisa Pisha, a family therapist, states that children often exhibit their inherent fears, which can be intensified if parents also exhibit fear. The report highlights various impacts on children, including increased time spent indoors, avoidance behaviours, isolation, and depression, among others. The fear used may lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, trust issues, and behaviour problems among children. Parents need to use positive reinforcement by appreciating, rewarding, and admiring their children’s work, behaviour, and actions. They should provide a healthy, happy, friendly, and supportive environment where children develop acceptance of their behaviour, self-worth, and self-esteem.
Teach children about problem-solving behaviour:
Fake promises, especially those made by parents, particularly mothers, develop doubt and hopelessness among children. Parents lose their respect for them. It leads to disappointment and a breach of trust in their relationships, resulting in parents losing their reputation in front of their children. It develops disillusionment among children. Parents need not portray themselves as heroes at the moment they make promises and later cannot keep them. This would lead to disrespect from them. Parents need to help children rely on reality, which would develop a kind of faith and respect, making them more realistic.
Conclusion: Parents should behave and treat children in a flexible manner. Parents need to focus on the first five years of their children, which play a crucial role in their cognitive development. There are some important things parents should pay heed to:
1: Never argue in front of children; it can spoil their future by making them hopeless, anxious, and distressed, and may develop antisocial tendencies among children.
2: Children notice when we are involved, even though we are present in front of them. Show 100% presence and involvement in the children when you are in front of them.
3: Nothing damages a child more than a negative label given by his/her own parents. Try to avoid negative labels.
4: Stop discrimination among siblings; it would lead to depression and anxiety among the children in the long run.
The writer is a social worker at Special Cell for Women Budgam and can be reached at aa******@***il.com