People say that the first step is always the toughest, they say that it takes a lot of courage to begin something. But I sometimes wonder how wrong this conception is. No one talks about how tough it is to reach the end. It’s easy to get yourself into something new every day but as each day passes and the weight of that new dream starts to drag you down, no one talks about how hard it is to get up again and reach the destination.
Maybe the people who believe these kinds of things are much more experienced, they have seen the world closely and are mature. And I am in no condition to preach to anyone. I am still twenty years old, I lack experience and my thoughts are not fully mature. But whatever little I’ve experienced has only made me conclude that beginnings are easier. It’s really hard having a dream and sticking to it forever. They always say to dream big, but no one says what to do to keep your dreams alive.
Every day I choose a new dream, a new hobby or even a new skill to play with. But by the end, it tires me out and I take a break. But that break seems too delicious to let go of. So, every day it’s a new battle to finish what I left unfinished yesterday.
When I first started writing, I truly enjoyed it and did it continuously. There wasn’t a single day when I didn’t write anything or even thought of writing. For me, it was the only interesting thing to do, I didn’t know what to do besides writing. However, as I kept writing, I realized that it was slowly losing that charm. The excitement to see my article in the newspaper reduced day by day, I no longer bought the newspaper which had my name somewhere in them.
I felt bad, obviously. Doing injustice to myself and my potential certainly felt weird but it is not like I was doing it on purpose. Was I being ungrateful? Maybe or Maybe not but I certainly learned a new thing. I learned how important it is to stick to your dreams. At first I thought I was writing out of knowledge, I thought I can write English pretty well that’s why I write. But when I was done writing about those things, I felt empty, as if there was nothing else to write about. However, my inability to write wasn’t because I had written enough, it was because I realized that I had barely started. There were so many things going on inside and outside my house as well, that if I wished, I could have written a whole book about it. It is just that I was scared. I thought once I’d finish writing about these things, I’d again feel empty, there would be nothing else and I’d again leave everything undone. The idea of having to write something kept me so engaged that I forgot to actually write.
I could probably write a 5000 words essay on how I and my sisters make fun of each other, how we recently spent three hours getting ready on Eid only to watch movies in our home the whole day, I could write about how annoying they can be sometimes or I could write about how I hate going to the market because I am scared of facing that handicapped man who keeps crawling through the streets, I can write about how I meet new people on streets every day. But I don’t, only because I feel like it won’t serve any purpose at all. However, the main reason for not writing about these things is that I am lazy. Every day I struggle with myself and my mind, it overflows with ideas and my fingers seem to be in no mood to follow. Now, isn’t it a real challenge to keep your dreams fresh, to renew them every now and then so they don’t rust? Thankfully I’ve got some good people around me who don’t let my mind rust. They always give me a reason to write and then I end up writing. And I also remind myself that there must be someone waiting for my article or my story or even a poem. If not for me, I should write to them. This is also why, whenever I read something good, I make sure to send the author a small compliment. You never know how your small words can leave a huge impact on someone’s heart.
One thing that I am still proud of is that despite all this tiff between myself and my mind. I don’t give up writing entirely. I take breaks for days, weeks or even months but in the end it’s always me and my diary. I tell myself that I found my dream easily but that doesn’t give me the right to take it for granted. Because I started it, it’s my responsibility to make it reach its beautiful destiny.
“What is it that’s stopping you?” I ask myself. My lack of experience? My inadequate knowledge about certain things or my laziness? If it is about inexperience then I have to live every day to gain some. If it is about my laziness then I better take a nap and get back at it. However, if it is about knowledge then the day in and day out I keep reminding myself that I don’t write out of knowledge, I never started it merely because I possessed highly advanced knowledge about things. I just write because that’s the only way to learn, that’s the only way to live. Besides, there is so much to write about the world. So, I tell myself to write whatever concerns me, whatever makes me happy and whatever horrifies me. It was my decision to step on this ladder and now it is my job to reach the top.
Beginnings are easy, it takes only a small step to get yourself into something but it takes a lifetime to reach the end. That’s why I think that when we start something, we better give it our all. And it is not always about goals and dreams. Even parenting, teaching and relationships. Don’t give birth to someone unless you’re ready to love them forever, don’t start teaching unless you completely surrender to your job, and don’t start a new relationship if you’re still overcoming the last one. Whatever you decide to do just make sure you don’t leave it unfinished. Try your best to make the endings as smooth as the beginning.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep writing, even though I am tired and sleepy most of the time. I won’t give up. I’ll write as long as there is something new to write about only because I can and I should. I’ll write because I’ve started it and I have to carry it forward. I’ll write as long as there is a little life inside me.
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Shafiya Showkat