Depressed, I didn’t think much and didn’t wait long to shake hands with you. Seven years ago. You must remember it. You gave me a helping hand when nobody even bothered to listen to me. I was lost, and you offered yourself to me. You were way, way better than all of those who promise something and the next day break it. Way, way better than all of those who only say (and never go beyond that) they are always there for me. I saw myself depressed, I saw you there, I lit you and dragged on you. This is what I wanted from you. And this is how you chose to be with me. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Anyhow, it’s been quite a while that I started thinking about our friendship and everything associated with it. What I have found out scares the hell out of me: I bring an end to your existence, and you bring an end to mine (temporarily). No need to be shocked. It’s true. Recently, when I found myself depressed to every cell when one of my friends dumped me dead, I accepted your help you were trying to offer me. I now believe it would have been way better to have some talks with my family (or exercised or done anything to not let it affect my already-weak mind) than melancholically shaking hands with you. I indeed got a quick high after using you. But what use? I found myself depressed again after a few minutes of using you. Then I shook hands with you again and I felt depressed in a few minutes again. And I got caught in a loop. My mind turned dysfunctional. And it’s how I have been dealing with the nasty situations that arise more often than not. No thinking involved. Just you and me and the situations.
Beyond this, I now understand that not only was I becoming psychologically weak, but turning to you had a number of other side effects. My lungs. They were getting unfairly robbed of their vitality. My heart. It was beating sometimes so fast that I feared it might explode within seconds. My throat. It was sending forth sort of vibrations through my nose while I was speaking. In a nutshell, my organs were dying. Slowly. And I wasn’t able to recognise it!
I am still indebted to you, as you have stopped me several times from committing suicide. You have saved my life! But, I have found alternatives now. I have started hitting the gym. Eating heathy diet. Hanging out with my friends. I wasn’t able to do so when I was in friendship with you. I have started taking care of myself now.
And I shall firmly resolve every issue I may face from now onwards, on my own — bravely.
—The writer is a post-graduate student of History at Kashmir University