Every time I thought of writing about how porn has wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life, a myriad of voices would come from my mind, screaming what the “civilised” people would think of me, which then put a pause on my writing. This time I made my mind strong enough to defy all those voices. I resolved to go ahead and reveal the trap of porn I was totally caught in.
It all started when I was 12 years old. I was playing with my cousin’s phone, and suddenly some naked images and videos of men and women struck my eye. I was shocked, then, to see something beyond the stretch of my imagination. I couldn’t comprehend what the heck they were doing with each other, but I got totally immersed in it as months elapsed. Those images and videos would pop into my mind a million times a day, and I would ask my cousin for his mobile to track down the naked beings. Gradually, it started to take a turn for the worse: I purchased my own cell phone, and not a single day would glide by without me watching porn for hours on end. On days when I didn’t get a chance to watch porn it felt like something was lacking in my life. Porn was keen on dominating me, and I let it dominate my every cell. I got lost in its fake worlds to the point of no return.
Consequently, I proved to be the worst of all the bad boys in school. Every time I tried to study, I ended up grabbing my phone and watching the stuff. My results had my whole family bury their heads in shame. Every time, everywhere, it was porn at the back of my mind. Trapped in its ways of vicarious pleasures, I never recognised that it was swallowing me whole. That my body was morphing into a skelton, my mind into a hollow box.
When you have made a fake world your home, the real one is sure to scare the hell out of you. That’s what happened with me. Whenever I would go out of my house, I would run across people of my age who were good in health, smart in talking, in thinking, in reacting. I would nearly die of self-loathing. “What has become of me!” I would ask myself this often, with tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t even stand properly in front of them, and have been even picked on due to my weak physique. My endless porn watching and jerking off to it rendered me emaciated. Whenever I couldn’t stand up for myself, I resorted to watching porn, as it gave me a sense of worthiness by increasing the dopamine levels in my brain.
My life had become nasty as a vicious circle: from failing to coming to terms with the real world to turning back to the fake one. Porn acted as a coping mechanism for me. And this is how porn seizes our minds!
When my psychological health worsened, I went to see a pdychiatrist. Many counselling sessions and medicines I was given/prescribed. At the end of the day, nothing worked for me. I hung on to the stories of those who had left watching porn. I made lakhs of promises to myself that I won’t do it again. O yried prayers, sometimes begging God for death. But I miserably failed to come out of this hell.
Honestly speaking, a decade has passed and I am yet to bid adieu to the fake worlds of porn. So dominating and powerful they are! O really have no suggestions to offer as to how to stop watching porn. However, the fact is that every human being is unique in their own way. Find ways to keep the waves of porn from washing over you. What porn has brought about in my life scares me to death!

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Faizaan Bashir