Despite Islamic teachings of equality, an obsession with lineage erodes confidence, delays marriages, and forces a painful conflict between faith and culture
By Aaqyb Ashraf
A Growing Wait No One Talks About
Marriage is often considered a simple, natural step in life; yet, for many young men and women in our society, it has become a long, uncertain wait. Families often discuss compatibility, faith, character, and upbringing, but beneath the surface, another force is shaping decisions, one that many refuse to acknowledge openly: the quiet yet firm role of caste in choosing a spouse.
The First Question That Changes Everything
Even though we live in a Muslim-majority society where equality is taught, marriage conversations often begin with one quiet question: “zaat kya chhekh?”; what is their caste? This single question silently shapes decisions and creates boundaries that many families are unwilling to cross.
When Caste Narrows The Paths Of The Young
The impact of this one question is felt most deeply by those who have crossed what used to be called “marriageable age.” Proposals arrive, relatives discuss possibilities, neighbours give suggestions, but as soon as caste becomes the first filter, the pool of options becomes smaller and smaller. Many young people find themselves caught in a cycle where good proposals fail not because of any flaw in character, faith or conduct, but simply because the family background is not considered “similar enough.”
Lives On Hold, Confidence Eroded
This reality is rarely discussed openly, yet its consequences are visible in almost every household. There are thousands of educated, capable and morally upright men and women who remain unmarried simply because families hesitate to cross social boundaries that have little to do with the teachings of Islam. A young woman with a degree, a stable job and a respectful reputation may still be rejected after families learn her surname. A young man with a clean character and a decent livelihood may watch years pass while his parents look for someone who “matches” their social standing.
These experiences silently erode confidence. Many young people begin to internalise the problem, asking themselves: “Is something wrong with me?” They watch friends get married, attend functions, hear relatives make casual remarks like “still not settled,” and yet no one openly admits that caste is the real reason behind repeated delays. The emotional burden becomes heavier, not because marriage alone defines a person’s worth, but because a system is pushing them into loneliness without giving them a fair chance.
The Weight Felt By Families Too
Families also carry the stress. Parents worry about their adult children, often losing sleep over rejections that seem unnecessary. They hesitate to confront societal expectations, fearing judgment or gossip.
Where Culture Conflicts With Faith
All of this stands in clear contrast to the values our faith emphasises. Islam places extraordinary importance on character, piety, mutual respect and kindness in marriage. No instruction elevates caste or lineage above taqwa. If anything, the teachings encourage believers to rise above inherited divisions and choose partners on the basis of faith and good conduct. Yet cultural habits built over generations continue to overshadow these values, creating walls where Islam calls for equality.
Long-Term Social Consequences
The outcome is visible in the changing social landscape: delayed marriages, emotional strain, reduced birth rates, and a growing number of households where sons and daughters wait far longer than their parents ever did. These changes shape futures, affect mental well-being, and disrupt the flow of family life.
Choosing Compassion Over Caste
But change is possible, and it begins inside homes. When families start asking, “Is this person kind? Is their character good? Will this marriage bring peace?” instead of “What is their caste?” new possibilities emerge. When parents stop worrying about what relatives might say, when unnecessary expectations around status and spending are reduced, and when dignity is valued more than social labels, doors open that have been closed for too long.
A Gentle Call For Reflection
This article is not written to point fingers or criticise anyone. It is simply an invitation to reflect. If we truly want to support our youth, we must question customs that keep them waiting. Marriages built on equality and respect are stronger, healthier and closer to the principles we claim to follow.
The time has come to let go of old walls. Let us allow our young people to build lives based on character, compatibility and sincerity, not caste. When we do that, fewer daughters and sons will remain waiting, and more homes will be filled with peace, dignity and hope.
The writer is a Srinagar-based lawyer
aa***********@***il.com