A reminder that we are all suffering in our own ways. Everyone is going through dreadful things and we all are pretending to be fine.

And just like that, they kill themselves. As if giving away their life would sort out everything. As if their absence would stop the world from functioning smoothly. That they will leave behind an abyss of regrets for those who feel things tenderly, and for over-thinkers like me. For now, we can only make assumptions. Maybe something bad happened to them, maybe they had some complications with their families. The truth, however, is that, as humans, we failed them.
A few months ago, a dearest friend of mine committed suicide. Till before that incident, she was acting normally, like all of us do. She had fun with us, we laughed a lot and even danced together. She was the one making videos of everyone and enjoying herself. And then one day, all of a sudden, I see a text from one of my classmates that said, “she is dead. She committed suicide”. I had a lot to tell her, a lot to hear from her. I wished to make tons of memories with her and now she is just a memory that will soon fade away.
I am not the same anymore. A part of me is still grieving over her death. She still haunts me in my dreams and seems to tell me that I couldn’t help her, I couldn’t hold her hands when she was at her lowest, I couldn’t figure out how she was decaying every day inside to a point where she had no other option but to quit.
It’s haunting to be a mute observer. It’s such a shame to be able to observe everything yet not be able to act. It’s equally haunting to be the one who remembers everything. Her memories just don’t leave me alone. Her face seems to be on everything, even on the things that I look at to get my mind off her. After she died, I thought I won’t let it happen to other people. I thought I’d help other people, but again I failed.
Now I hear the news of another person’s death. He wasn’t my friend or my relative. He was just someone I knew, someone I saw daily. He didn’t even know I existed but I knew there was something wrong with him. From the first time I saw him, I knew he wasn’t happy. I always looked at his poor face and felt bad for him. He seemed to be devoid of all hopes and devoid of life as well. He rarely smiled or talked. I used to greet him every day but he never responded, which always irritated me and made me think there was something that was killing him inside. I know it may seem presumptuous but I have a thing for sad people, as if there is a connection between me and them. And that’s what connected me with him.
Though I didn’t help him, and I don’t think I could have, but what do I tell this heart that’s frequently piercing me from inside and telling me that somehow I should have? Now that he chose death too, I have no other option but to overthink. I can’t do anything else but languish over this poor man’s death like I’ve been mourning over my friend’s.
We are all suffering in our own ways. Everyone is going through dreadful things and we all are pretending to be fine. However, we are carrying the misery inside and walking. I wonder, how severe the emotions can get, compelling a person to choose death? How many people do we meet daily that are devoid of all hope but still manage to smile? Now, when I walk alone, I look at people and try to find their stories in their hazy eyes, in the creases of their forehead, in the frantic movement of their pupils and in all of their gestures. I try to comprehend their anguish when they walk lazily in front of me. But still, there is nothing I can do for them except one thing and that is to be kind to them. Maybe my small act of kindness may open doors of happiness for them. I smile at them just to show them that their presence lights up my face.
Now I compliment my friends daily and try to talk to them without telling them anything. Because I am full of uncertainties now and I don’t want to regret anything anymore. I have assured myself that I will always try my best to be happy so that I can spread that happiness, because there is already a lot of grief in this world and I don’t want to add to it. I hope I won’t have to see anyone dying of hopelessness again. It’s already hard to live with the burden of sorrows.
I don’t want to remember them ‘As people who left us on purpose’, but here I am. And since I have no other option but to let out my emotions, I am writing this article in memory of those who left us. And through this I want to tell people: please check on your friends, relatives, colleagues and even strangers. When you see someone in pain, please offer them your shoulder to lean on. When you get a chance, do ask them what’s making life so hard. Even when you can do nothing, just sit beside them and tell them that they are not alone. Helping them is much better than grieving over their death later on. Just hold on to dear life and keep living, only then you can tell them that this life is worth fighting for. The only assurance I can give you is that time passes. Good times pass and bad times as well. Nothing is gonna stay forever. Even if there is a drop of hope in this world, it’s enough to stay alive. Be that hope for others.

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Shafiya Showkat