The Madness in the Method of our Marriages

The Madness in the Method of our Marriages

Kashmir has always been famous for its culture and traditions. People laud its beguiling and luscious cuisine. Kashmir remains in the limelight either for its arresting beauty or for its ugly conflict. Amid all of this, Kashmir is known for its great hospitality and extravagant marriages. Marriages in Kashmir are no longer a union of souls and families but a demonstration of wealth and ostentation. This superfluity in weddings has always been under the scanner, with much written and said against this menace, yet there seems no decline to this practice. This extravagance comes along with a plethora of issues and is a burden on those who belong to low-income households.
There is huge competition when it comes to organising marriage ceremonies. We belong to a Kashmir where there are hundreds of orphanages, and women remain unmarried only because they cannot afford the extravagance. Their socio-economic status will never let them marry simply and paying for the expensive ritualistic customs is beyond their means. The biggest concern in Kashmir when it comes to marriages is the excess, be it the prodigal feast or other profligate spending. This extravagance is taking a toll on our social life. Spending hefty amounts of money on catering, decoration, and exchange of expensive freebies is the norm now.
As a social experiment, I have closely observed two weddings (and even my own extended family is guilty as charged). There was a visible divide between the two weddings. The first one took place in my district Anantnag. We were served a platter of different sweets, and some were completely unknown to me. Tea was served with more than 12 types of snacks. The house was decorated with flickering lights, the lawn was pampered with plasma lights, each one emitting an eye-piercing light. The wedding tent had a combination of red and white aari (embroidery) work on cloth. At the entrance was a grand antique flower vase and in the middle a huge seat, drenched in white and beige aari work, for the groom. It was surrounded by four pillars and lit by a heavy load of lights. Mehendi Raat (Henna Night) was celebrated with much fervour, marked by dancing and singing. Money was tossed around and thrown upon the crowd, which kept dancing and there were no people who could grab and catch that money; it kissed the dust of the carpets.
Food was served with almost 20 dishes. For a while I felt my arm had stopped moving. So heavy was the plate. After Wazwan (Kashmiri feast) we were served ice creams, while some were given Halwa (sweet dish). The groom was decked up in expensive clothes. Gold was clinging to his fingers and neck, and though in a society like Kashmir the groom doesn’t wear gold jewellery but he was drenched in gold. There was an army of people who escorted him to the wedding tent, throwing money, expensive candies, dry fruits. Everything looked lavish, even the guests were wearing designer jewellery and suits.
On the contrary, the second marriage I visited was in the same locality I live at. There was nothing lavish or ostentatious about the wedding. It was as simple as possible but parents of the bride made sure the guests were happy. They kept coming back to the guests and asking them about the food and the arrangements. There were no 20 dishes served. I could hear people saying that the taste of the cuisine was average. They kept looking at the bride who was wearing embellished attire but with minimal gold jewels. The bride’s father was roaming around and oozing a sigh every time. There were no lights, no decoration, and no camera man. The low-key affair was so simple, people complained about its simplicity.
It is almost uncomfortable to witness such drama in our society. I still remember when I asked one of my relatives, “Why have you spent so much money and vested so much of energy into the decoration?” To which he haughtily announced: “Because I have got money”. I couldn’t extend the conversation because his statement was filled with vanity. Is it possible that the rich and wealthy families and people in our community can refrain from these lustrous staged ceremonies and prefer it to be an austere event? Perhaps, we can only imagine such events.
I have a desperate urge to tell myself and my community that our marriages have lost the essence and have been turned into mere exchange of freebies, show of tapestries, and trends like serving more than twenty dishes. When we as a society cannot differentiate between what is lawful and unlawful, ethical and unethical, and most importantly important and unimportant, we fail as a society. When we don’t see how the poor families fail to withstand this societal pressure and mad race to be better than the other, we fail as a society. A simple marriage is like a myth now and even low-income families leave no stone unturned to make the wedding a wasteful affair. Why? To compete with those people who do not have eyes despite being the most qualified and most educated?
Can we not take responsibility? We as a society who are known to be fierce, furious and hospitable, isn’t it our responsibility to think, rethink and reconsider where we are heading to? Our community has made marriages complicated to the core. But, at the end of the day, who is to be blamed? Is it the upper class, which despite having overloaded bank accounts and fancy educational degrees, does not see the miseries that poor people face? Or is it those who have such high ambitions despite knowing the fact that they cannot afford them? This question is what lingers in the minds of those who critically analyse the profligacy of marriages in Kashmir. The responsibility lies with us all. We have to take the pains and begin the conversation from our houses. We have to reduce the level of exchange, and teach daughters to be independent more than sending them off with gold and money. We also have to educate our sons about the importance of marriage and relationships. Because deep down we know the fact that change begins at home. Let’s change ourselves and hopefully we would have a better world for our children to inherit.

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