Your ordinal position in the birth order has everything to do not only with your place in the family but with how you’ve been living your entire life. When you’re a baby, you captured your parents’ initial attention, as much as 3,000 more quality hours spent with mom and dad between the ages 4-13 than your next sibling. Your parents being new parents experimented on you. You were the guinea pig. They were extremely attentive, even neurotic about minutiae. They tried every trick from the stacks of books they read about child-rearing. Some things worked, some didn’t. And you got the brunt of all of it. If you were lucky enough not to have other siblings, you’d develop the exact personality traits of the spoiled child.
You’re the oldest and the only child in a family; you didn’t have any buffer between you and your parents. You lived in the house minus sibling rivalry. You got a double shot of mom and dad, with no competition until little Johnny came along when you gave up your old crib to him. You shared your parents’ love and attention now. By losing your seat on the familial throne, you also lost the special place that singularity holds. You preferred to stay in control, indeed. And as a mini-parent, you tried to dominate your sibs. You’re afraid, if you lost that control, things might go wrong – and that if they did, you’d have only yourself to blame. You’re prone to suffering from anxiety and, in particular, feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
You felt jealous because of the special care and attention your adorable little sibling got, felt intruded upon because the younger one tended to mess up whatever she’s doing, and were resentful because you’re generally required to behave better and do more for the family. You started experiencing the loss of your parents’ undivided focus before your own sense of security was firmly established. Your thirst for approval always felt as if it couldn’t be quenched. No matter how much praise or adoration you receive, you’re likely to find yourself wanting more. Before long, you wanted to please anyone who occupies a position of power – because anyone in power is, in effect, a parental figure. You became a perfectionist who uses up all of the oxygen in the room. Your parents shaped your attitude and behaviour.
As you’re keen to please those in authority, you’d accept the rules they set and identify with their values. You’re less likely to break the law. You also tended to stick with what you knew rather than take your chances with new schemes or ideas. Not only did you admire those in power, but you might well want to assume power yourself. You’re a good student: you did your homework and generally accepted what authority figures told you. You’re like a server on your first restaurant shift: constantly hovering over the table, asking if everything was OK…..annoying, and you created annoying people as a result. You also remained liable to feeling easily hurt by any criticism leveled at you by an authority figure.
As a first-born, you watched parents and other caretakers look after your younger siblings. You were also given opportunities to help out. All this practice and observation made you nurturing and caring. It also paved the way to putting you in control. This responsibility made you want to be the best at everything you did. Because you’re used to expecting others to need your help, you’re usually the first person to volunteer when there’s work to be done. Your deep-seated fear of rejection meant you dread failure. And because you ask so much of yourself, you’re less likely to forgive yourself when you don’t manage to do what’s expected. This tendency towards harsh self-criticism was particularly true if the sibling who came next was born quite soon after you – i.e. before you lost the belief that you’re responsible for everything that happened in your life.
In the case of firsts, oldest sons tend to be take-charge types…. leaders. Oldest females, on the other hand, are more likely to be bossy, confident and aggressive than their younger sisters. Relative to their younger brothers, firstborn males seem to be budding terrorists. In the families of origin, these terrorist inclinations tend to be of small consequence except to younger siblings. During radical revolutions, firstborn predilections for thought-minded policies could result in large-scale terrorism. Being female makes some women more agreeable, empathetic, and liberal. Surrogate parenting tends to reinforce alpha-male behaviour in the firstborns. The typical firstborn strategy is to align his/her interests with those of parents adopting the parents’ perspective on family life. The family status of firstborns is primary and they seek to maintain this primacy, by defending their niche against encroachments by younger siblings. Siblicide, in the cuckoo’s nest, is a necessary act of self-preservation. If you’re a parent today, isn’t it true that if your firstborn travels east, your second born will travel west? If there is anything that firstborns struggle with, it’s the flaw picking.
There is no clash as great as when two perfectionist firstborns get married. You’re likely to find out what happens when an immovable object tangles with an unstoppable force —a lot of heat, noise, and confusion. You’re both stubborn, goal/detail oriented…. like where to put the sprinkler in the yard. It’s inevitable that there will be a strong clash of wills. You’re analytical and know exactly what the right thing to do is. But what if your firstborn spouse also knows what the right thing to do is—and it’s something very different from your plan? Birds of a feather may flock together but they’d better think twice before they build a little nest for two. No marriage between two firstborns will be successful without a lot of compromises, without agreeing to yield to one another.

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Tajamul Hussain