Discover how embracing truth, detachment, clear communication and presence can liberate you from self-limiting beliefs and lead to a more authentic life.
I recently read ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz, an essential guide to personal freedom. It has influenced a generation of readers over the years, garnering widespread traction across the globe.
From the very beginning, a child’s attention is hooked. He is taught that if he doesn’t excel in school or fails to meet expectations, he will be punished. If he meets the standards, he is rewarded. He continues to behave in this manner until it becomes ingrained. As an adult, he does everything to seek attention, knowing a reward will follow. He pretends to be what he is not in order to attract attention. When he fails, he succumbs to self-reproach, chastising himself in a desperate attempt to seek validation due to his inability to capture others’ attention. Our greatest fear is not death but being our authentic selves. We avoid being who we truly are because our idealized self-image doesn’t correspond to reality. As a result, we constantly self-reproach and engage in self-abuse. Let me break down the four agreements outlined in the book to transcend these limiting beliefs.
- Be impeccable with your word:
By this, the author means resigning oneself to being committed to the truth, using a word to spread love and joy and refraining from perpetuating lies and falsehood. People make assumptions or express their opinions about us, whether good or bad. These assumptions significantly impact us, and we carry them with us, believe in them, and they eventually shape our reality. As a result, it alters the entire course of our lives because we made an agreement to whatever was passed on to us. In this way, we make a number of agreements on a daily basis. For instance, a father, coming home angry from work, hears his son playing guitar and, irritated, tells his son, “You’re terrible at it, stop playing.” The child believes his father’s harsh words and never touches the guitar again, convinced he is no good. The father failed to realize the profound impact of his words. This illustrates how powerful words are. When we engage in gossip or idle talk, we spread toxicity, unknowingly causing harm and spreading the poison to others, creating a chain reaction. However, being impeccable with our words fosters strong, lasting relationships and offers us freedom, success, and joy. It liberates us from fear and cultivates self-love.
- Don’t take things personally:
Taking everything personally leads to endless worry and suffering. When someone says something negative about us, it is not about us, but a reflection of their own feelings and beliefs. Their words are a projection of their own lives. By accepting these negative opinions, we allow the poison to affect us, resulting in emotional distress. When we hear something positive, it also reflects the other person’s view, not necessarily our own worth. Refusing to take things personally creates room for peace and joy. People’s opinions stem from their deeply rooted belief systems, not from objective reality. By not taking things personally, we liberate ourselves from unnecessary suffering and find inner peace.
- Avoid making assumptions:
We often make assumptions and mistake them for reality because we lack the courage to ask questions. Assumptions set us up for conflict and confusion. Much of our suffering stems from making assumptions. For instance, if someone smiles at us, we may spend hours speculating about the meaning of that smile, creating unnecessary drama. In relationships, assumptions lead to misunderstandings and conflict. We expect our partners to know what we want without clearly communicating, and when they fail, we get angry. This can lead to the dissolution of relationships. As we quit making assumptions, we communicate more clearly, preventing unnecessary misunderstandings. Asking questions instead of assuming leads to personal freedom.
- Do your best:
When you truly commit to doing your best, the previous three agreements, being impeccable with your word, not taking things personally, and avoiding assumptions, fall naturally into place. Doing your best is more than just performing a task; it is about being fully present in whatever you are doing. It involves immersing yourself entirely in the moment, allowing you to experience life in its true flow, free from the anxieties that come from worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Too often, people work hard with the aim of gaining external rewards, whether it’s praise, recognition, or financial success. While their efforts may be considerable, their focus on the outcome rather than the journey leaves them feeling disconnected and dissatisfied. The joy in their work diminishes over time, turning it into a monotonous, repetitive routine that no longer provides any sense of fulfilment. However, when you shift your mindset and focus on doing your best for the sake of the action itself, rather than for the result, everything changes. You become fully engaged in the present, experiencing joy in the process rather than in the end reward. This sense of presence brings with it a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfilment, allowing you to live life with authenticity, free from regret, and fully attuned to your true self.
By Zahoor Farooq