Sometimes I wonder how profound the bond of motherhood truly is. No matter how fierce the battle may be, no matter how much has been lost, a mother will stake even the essence of her soul for her child.
It’s hard to pinpoint when I started feeling so distant. Hunger, once a companion, now sits alongside something else loneliness. I didn’t realize how much of a presence she had been in my life until her absence took her place like a shadow falling over me even though she is not here. I am not sure when it started, but it’s like time sped up the moment I left home. The days blend, a blur of hours stretching between one VOIP call to the next. Yet, still, the silence presses down like a weight, heavier every day.
I stare at her photos on my phone, the ones from before I moved away.
There’s one where she’s laughing, her face glowing with joy, the same one I look at every evening. I don’t know what I am searching for when I look at it perhaps some piece of her that might reach across the miles, something to fill the aching hole left by the distance between us. It feels like a conversation we could have/had, but it’s just me, and her smile on a screen that refuses to speak back.
I think about those evenings back home. How she used to ask me about my day, always wanting to know the smallest details.
I think she asked because she missed me, even though she never said it out loud. Now all I can do is talk to the screen, hoping somehow, she can still hear me.
I miss the warmth of her voice the way she could comfort me just by being in the same room.
Here, in a small apartment on the other side of the world, I can’t even make a cup of coffee without feeling like I have forgotten how to do it the way she always did.
Some nights I catch myself staring at the photo, the sound of my voice talking to her empty air and wonder if she feels it too. I have tried telling myself that I am fine and that I am getting used to the separation.
But some days it feels like there’s a constant hum of longing beneath my skin the weight of it always with me even when I pretend it’s not.
The hunger inside me isn’t just for food it’s for her presence, for the comfort I used to take for granted.
“What happened?” ruh my mother asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
I exhaled sharply, my words catching. It’s about her AMMI that Charmer
My hesitant hand rests on my chest blades as I swallow hard and she asks again, “What happened?” ruh?
I am unsure what to do. I wonder if my love can be gentle enough to ease the gasps. I want to tell her that I understand. The questions consume me too.
My Son Like everything fades in this world and everyone else,
She too will fade ruh! This world is very beautiful, but the people living in it are extremely selfish, ruthless, and terrible. And day by day, people are becoming more worse. I knew from the beginning that this would happen. I even thought once or twice that Charmer would do this to you. But I held back from telling you because I didn’t want you to see me as an enemy in your love. However, always remember this, my soul. It was divine orchestration, not a coincidence.
Ruh you know sometimes, I wonder if mothers gave birth to their anger, not their daughters. They pack every hurt feeling, every sharp remark, every desperate cry, and so much more into a space within themselves a womb designed to hold it all in. Then, they pass it down to us, forcing us to carry its weight. My own mother’s womb, however, only had room for spite. Nothing else survived.
It’s okay to feel exhausted, my son. You have been quiet for so long, carrying the weight of everything on your shoulders, pretending it doesn’t hurt. But you are human, and even the strongest hearts grow tired.
All these years, you have given your best your love your loyalty your sincerity. Was that not enough? Did it all mean nothing before they changed?
My son, they didn’t love you they loved what you gave them. They loved the comfort, the care, the effort you were never the priority, only what you could offer. But listen to me, my child their love was not the measure of your worth.
Life was never meant to be a straight path, for a straight line means lifelessness. Even your heartbeat proves it its ups and downs are what keep you alive. So don’t fear the rise and fall, my son. It’s only shaping you for something greater.
And remember ruh! Allah is greater than our worries accept everything Allah knows the best.
I often find myself searching the streets here, walking around, hoping I might see someone who looks like her. But of course, I never do. The closest I come is the fleeting moment when someone smiles at me from across the street, and I catch a glimpse of the way her smile used to light up a room. But it’s never enough.
I try to keep up with the traditions we have, even from this far away.
I can’t tell her how much I miss her with the same sincerity.
The calls are brief, but I catch her eyes through the screen, searching for something she can’t put into words something she’s too far away to share.
Some nights, I wonder if she is missing me as much as I miss her. If she is looking at my photos too, trying to hear my voice in the background of her quiet house. Sometimes, I feel like we are both just waiting for the day when we will meet again when this distance won’t feel like such a stretch. But for now, I hold on to the photos, the memories, and the small moments we can share through the call. I talk to her the way I always have though it feels different now. It’s more of a ritual than a conversation, but I suppose that’s all we have for now. The hunger for her presence is something I can’t name, but it’s there, and so are her pictures. They will have to be enough, for now.
The writer is pursuing a Masters at Jain University Bangalore
Kamran Hamid Bhat
24********@***************ac.in